147: How Your Inner Child Could be Hurting Your Business

Melissa [: 00:00:00

All right, guys, apparently you loved the Bali episode, so I am going to be coming back to you with more concepts around woo and business. And today is really going to be around shadow work and the inner child and how it can actually, when you do the work, can clear a path for healthier, life, relationships, and expansive business for impact. So this is going to be a raw and real episode. I'm going to tell you about some of the most difficult conversations in my life recently and I hope you guys enjoy it. Need some effective tactical advice that actually helps you get results and makes a real difference in your life and business. You've come to the right place. If you're finding yourself here today, it means you're getting ready to gain serious traction in your business, rapidly multiply your income and impact, and you're ready to make it happen while living all out. Guys, I'm Melissa Henalt, your trustworthy corporate dropout turned six figure business burnout turned happy and healthy CEO of a multimillion dollar online business.

Melissa [: 00:01:13

And you're listening to the burnout to all out podcast. On this show, we're serving up innovative growth strategies, simple implementation methods to put them into practice and action stimulating inspiration tailored specifically for the modern entrepreneur. Let's dive in close. All right, guys, I am streaming live at 745 in the morning in my pajamas and my pajama hair. Why am I doing that? I am on fire with wanting to share with you some intuitive downloads that I want to bring to my community as I'm thinking of them. Many of you know I journal a lot in the mornings and today. What really came through that I wanted to share with you guys that's been wildly impactful just in the past month for me, energetically with my business and it's around shadow work and inner child work and how doing this work can help you make more impact in your business and in your life. My most recent episode from my trip back from Bali, I got so many comments from you guys, and so I thought, you know, like, feedback leaves clues to what you guys want to hear about.

Melissa [: 00:02:35

So we're going to go down in this rabbit hole today and what is shadow work and what is inner child work? And I want to talk a little bit about this today, give you some examples of what I've done with this over the past couple of weeks and months and some steps into how you can potentially do this as well. Okay, so shadow work and how it can impact you. Shadow work is really converse. It's really the energetically charged things that occupy your mind, the things that you keep deep within that you don't necessarily want to disclose or address because it's uncomfortable. Right? And I'm going to share with you a scenario that I went through this past month and a minute ago. This can be energetically charged relationships with a spouse, with children, with extended family, it can be within yourself and self forgiveness, right? From a shadow work perspective, the inner child work that we're going to talk about a little bit today, the inner child work is really helping us understand why we think the way we think and also give us perspective as to how others think and why they behave the way they do. And when we can approach it from this angle, we have actually more compassion for ourselves, but also we have more compassion for those that we are debating with or having friction with, right? And those topics in themselves. I could do a whole podcast episode on and I probably will, but today is a little bit more about just quick scenarios and conversations that we can have to really change the energetic frequency in our body and what we are attracting.

Melissa [: 00:04:15

So with that, what I wanted to say is that our bodies are made of an energetic frequency. You've heard me talk about this. Love, joy, gratitude, these are a high vibration, right? When we are smiling and we are happy and we are full of gratitude and we feel good within, it actually emanates outward. And I know that you all know what I'm talking about. When you're walking down the street, you can even be in a crappy mood. You can be the low vibe person and you look up and there's someone just glowing with a beautiful smile, right? And you instantly do what? You smile back, right? Because that energy transfer, that higher vibration comes to you, right? Now the reverse is true, right? When we are filled with guilt, with shame, with jealousy, right? You can see this many times I've become attuned to this, seeing this in people's behavior with their shoulder slouched down, they're looking at the ground, they don't make eye contact, they frown, they have resting bitch face when you're on conference calls, right? They just have this stoic look. What happens when that type of energy and frequency is emanated from your body, right? You begin to attract it right back. I talk to my kids about this all the time, right? When we talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed and then the rest of your day going wrong.

Melissa [: 00:05:35

. And then all of a sudden at: 07:00

Melissa [: 00:07:57

And then when we avoid it, what happens is we harbor that energy in our body, and when we harbor that energy in our body, we are blocking the energetic flow of abundance, of opportunity, of impact, right? So just continue on this story with me because I'm going to share some scenarios with you where maybe you're like, what is she talking about? Right? Let me tell you a story of a couple of energetically charged relationships I've neutralized over the past month. And some, I was wrong from my perception and my ego was involved, and I wasn't sure how to address it. In some scenarios, from my perception, it was a neutral state where neither one of us were right, but we can't come to an agreement. And in another scenario I'm going to share with you, I came to the conversation thinking I was the one who was right, right? But regardless, I recognized that in each of these three scenarios, my ego was really attached to all of them. And at the moment, in recognizing it, it's the willingness to release the ego and see the inner child from within me who's controlling my behavior, protecting me, right? And realizing that I cared for each of these people dearly and I needed to have the necessary conversations with them. This is the key. Without attachment to the outcome of winning for the sake of winning from an ego perspective, but rather with the goal of releasing the energetic charge and neutralizing the situation, right? And that's really key to go into these conversations not expecting forgiveness but more neutralizing and being heard so that the energetic charge is released. We actually then create a nice big wide open portal of positive energy to fill us up when we do this and we neutralize the negative energy that occupies us.

Melissa [: 00:09:56

ight, like wake you up two at: 03:00

Melissa [: 00:11:21

It was chaos and charged energy and screaming all the time, right? I thought I had evolved originally in my early 30s being a working professional who was not an alcoholic and didn't have the wild crazy mental illness running in my family with the screaming every single day trying to control a wild child, right? Yet I was full of stress. As a young mother with two small kids in corporate America, launching a business around my nine to five with probably borderline adrenal crisis. So stressed out, no sleep, sick all the time with little kids, I didn't know how to manage my stress. And the way I managed it was to scream at my kids, right? I yelled. I did not manage my anger and my stress well at all in my mid to early even later 30s, right? And where I'm going with this is I've been waking up in the middle of the night with regret. How many of you guys are waking up in the middle of the night with regret around something that you've done said been right? That was me. And I recognized that my youngest child has a completely different parent and there was major, major guilt on me and it wasn't until my trip back from Bali that I realized I need to let go of my ego and apologize to my kids, right? Why am I holding this inside my body and literally physically waking up in the middle of the night, day after day, with regret and remorse and holding it inside instead of just having the conversation with my children? See, the ego was involved up to that point because it was the fear of losing control, of being the parent and revealing the wrongness that I hadn't done it yet, right? The ego, my friends, was involved, right? Versus approaching them and being an example to them that I'm a human who's growing and evolving in a great conversation around personal development and learning how to manage our anger, learning how to manage stress. And that parents aren't perfect, right? But here's the key.

Melissa [: 00:13:53

A couple of things that I did in this conversation with my children, right, is number one, instead of coming at it as an authoritarian ego of being the parent and having to have control was recognizing and respecting them as little people that have developing minds as well. Because, you see, when I was in Bali and I witnessed someone going through some inner child work, one of the things that was still really deep within her nervous system was how different her parents treated her than her youngest sibling. Growing up. Here she was in her late 20s, still carrying this in her nervous system. And when I witnessed that, I knew I had to have this conversation with my children now because if I'm carrying it in my nervous system with guilt, they're probably carrying it in their nervous system as well. Feeling slighted, feeling unfair, right? Let's neutralize it. Let's quit carrying this shit around and put the ego aside, right? So here's the thing I want to point out, though. I went into these conversations with my older children apologizing without an agenda for seeking forgiveness, okay? Because if you're seeking forgiveness and some of you may agree or disagree, but if you're seeking forgiveness, then you're assuming someone else has control of the energy in the relationship, right? If they forgive you, great.

Melissa [: 00:15:29

But you don't need forgiveness from them to be released energetically by apologizing for where you were wrong. I hope this makes sense, because in reality and let me just follow up on this we will always seek evidence for what we believe to be true. You can go toe to toe with someone indefinitely and never win because we're always looking for evidence for our case that we are right. And the reality is, we're both right. We both took action and engaged in a way, no matter the situation, for what we thought was right at that time, right? So where I'm going with this is to seek forgiveness or give forgiveness. We're assuming that someone else is in control, energetically and that someone was in the right and someone was in the wrong. I now come into conversations not looking for forgiveness, but looking to neutralize through just apologizing where I feel I was wrong and or addressing my behavior, right? So I hope this is making sense, right? So when I went into this conversation with my kids, I wasn't expecting forgiveness. I just wanted to get off my chest where I felt I was wrong, where I felt I was developing, and that I really wanted to apologize for how they were treated versus how they are today.

Melissa [: 00:17:00

And then the most important piece to neutralize this energy was to create space, then to shut up and let them be heard and receive their emotion, receive how it made them feel, because this is the activity that dispels and neutralizes the energy on both ends. And I will tell you, with my daughter, she was very compassionate. She told me, mom, you've always loved us as much as you do today. You were just working really hard as a mommy with two little kids and a full time job, and you were also running a business around that. You had no help around the house. It's okay, Mommy. It's okay. And that's her soul.

Melissa [: 00:17:43

That is her heart, that is her nervous system, that is her subconscious, and that is her little inner child and how she saw it. And I received it, and she even said, I forgive you, and I received it. My older son, on the other hand, man, am I glad I had this conversation with him. The first words out of his mouth were, you're right. You were wrong. It was hard. You were mean. He felt very validated to be heard.

Melissa [: 00:18:15

He didn't say, I forgive you, mom. He acknowledged that his experience was unfair, that he felt that when he looks at his little brother today, that there isn't nearly the aggression that he had. And instead of me backpedaling and trying to make excuses, I just validated, neutralized, and hugged him, right? And cried. And that, my friend, is what I mean by neutralizing and not going in looking for forgiveness, because our perspectives are always going to be different, right? There's not always going to be a forgiveness, right? But there can be a neutralization of the conversation. So let me give you another example. Many of you don't have kids or aren't in the scenario where you were an angry mom for a little while. So let's talk about another scenario that I had where with my uncle just a couple of months ago. If you guys go back in my Instagram stories, it's still there.

Melissa [: 00:19:23

Not in stories on my Instagram post. It's actually on my own, a LinkedIn post, too, from a couple of months ago where I totally threw my uncle under the bus on social media for patriarchy, for not including me in a male gathering of intelligence monthly. It was an exclusive offer to the men in the family with me as a second thought, right? And I'm not going to get into the details of it now, but I think that gives you enough to know, right? This is where the inner child work comes to play, right? And I'm sharing these scenarios with you because, again, I want to underscore to you how bodies build businesses, bodies run households, bodies, parent children. And when we learn to practice neutralizing charged relationships, we neutralize that negative energy in our body and become healthier and open up and expand for higher vibrations, higher energy, healthier relationships. Okay? So with my uncle, right, let me just little bit of a background. I'd spent a decade in a patriarchal world in corporate America where I was the only female. To this day, when people show up at my house and have never met me, they're like, oh, what does your husband do, right? For years, it's been a recognition of what Jake does, right? And that's a cute little stay at home thing that you do while I'm at home making millions out of my office, right? I've experienced it all my life, right? I grew up without a present father that really didn't value me. I never felt valued by men, ever, until I got married to the man I'm married to today, right? And so that's a lot of baggage.

Melissa [: 00:21:05

That's a lot of inner child work, wouldn't you say that no one's really stood up for me, protected me, bothered me, valued me, in a way, conditioning as an inner child, that was my world. It's the way I saw it, right? Along with the patriarchy of just my career as being the only female in a male driven world, even in business today. Just the way that anybody watched Barbie lately, right? Like, I could go down in that rabbit hole, but I'm not going to. The bottom line is it's my lens, right? And I was energetically charged when this happened, and I made a point out of it, and I called my uncle out on social media for his patriarchal move that really hurt my feelings. But in the process of doing that, it really hurt his feelings and it really hurt his family's feelings by me coming forward publicly about this. And I got a really long letter from both of them that really stung and said a lot of hurtful things to me, and my ego got in the way, and I walled them off, right? I wanted to be right, because their letter hurt my feelings, and I didn't agree with it, just like they didn't agree with what I said about him on social media, right? They were hurt because of my hurtful things. I was hurt because of their hurtful things. So now we've created this drama on stage that we're entangled in energetically with this charge, right? But the reality is I was losing so much sleep over the fact that I love these people so much and hated that we were no longer spending time together.

Melissa [: 00:22:48

And it was because of what my ego of being right and my wounded inner child, right? So when I set my ego aside and I looked at my inner child, she was hurt that the one man in her life that had seen her really hurt her feelings and didn't see her in that moment. So what you guys don't know is he's the only man who was he's the only human on the planet who was willing to co sign on my college loans because no one else would. He actually stood up for me when there was a massive debate when I was about eight or ten years old around my sister who has mental illness. He really stood up for me. And he was really the only male figure in my life who I felt saw me, right? But in that moment a couple of months ago, accidentally, through his own conditioning and upbringing and quite honestly, being a 70 year old white male who lived in a household with only boys and his wife didn't think to include me in this conversation until it was a second thought about intellectual discussion of business and money, right? It was a knee jerk programming for him to invite them into the conversation. And it was my inner child at the table that was already so wounded that she took it out and unleashed all over him all the wrongdoings from the patriarchal garbage of my life, all the wrongdoings of the non present father, all the garbage of my past career. Patriarchy unleashed on him the wounded child, right? Are you guys following me on this? How do we neutralize this, Melissa? How do we neutralize this energetically charged can't sleep at night scenario? Acknowledge that the ego is involved. Acknowledge that the inner child is wounded.

Melissa [: 00:24:51

Right? I wrote a note to him while I was in Bali and told him how important of a role he played in my life growing up and that my inner child was truly wounded by his actions. And that I probably overreacted and channeled a lot of anger and frustration because of my hurtness, if that's a word, by the only man beyond my husband who'd ever seen me. Totally overlooked me in that scenario. Right? Now, what I want to point out here is I didn't apologize. I didn't apologize, I didn't ask for forgiveness. But I assessed the situation from literally outside my body, looking back at the scenario between the two of us and realized that from outside myself, looking down, seeing the wounded child intertangled in this dance with him was no longer necessary, right? I compassionately explained my actions and compassionately explained why it was so hurtful. But I wasn't ugly to him, right? And he lovingly responded and fully understood and said, I hope, moving forward, you see everyone's inner child, right? And that's a lesson in this. When we are in these energetically charged conversations, taking a step back from your body and the drama and the ego and asking yourself what's going on with this person's inner child that I'm having a conversation with? What's going on with my inner child that's sucking me into this drama? And how much of my ego is at play to win this? And is it truly worth the energy deposit to win to entangle in this drama? Or is there a better strategy to neutralize this without winning? Losing, there isn't a need for forgiveness.

Melissa [: 00:27:01

But how can I neutralize this? By acknowledging what's truly going on and setting my ego aside. Because, my friends, when you do that, you create again a massive new portal into your body for positive energy, for impact, for positive vibrations that you emanate and attract back and your life begins to change in business, in relationships with your spouse, right? Let me share with you one more. I told you I'm just on fire today, right? And these are all three totally different scenarios that maybe you guys can hinge on depending on what you're in. I had a teammate that I was feeling extremely negative vibes from for months. How many of you, if you're watching live, would love to know in the chat, have been in scenarios in business where there's someone you're working with that you have this gut feeling and you're getting these subliminal cues that energetically something is off, right? Something is off with this person, right? This person then ultimately created some massive disruption in my business that could have been catastrophic. But I chose to sweep it under the rug and continue going down the path of working with this person because energetically I was trying to avoid the confrontation, right? The confrontation, the ego of who's right or who's wrong. And I was sweeping it under the rug and hoping that it would go away. I know some of you guys have been there and it didn't go away.

Melissa [: 00:28:42

As a matter of fact, not too long ago, I ended up in a conversation with this person who verbally attacked me and told me I was not giving them what they deserved, that they believed and perceived they owned within my business, right? And I know some of you have been in these types of scenarios. And the old version of myself would have gone especially as the Idiogram Eight. Anybody knows the Enneagram, I'll bury you alive if you're wrong. Believe me, the previous version of myself would go to war proving how wrong you were, chewing you up, spitting you out and burying you and walking away feeling very comfortable and confident that I proved you wrong through twelve different scenarios of what you did wrong, why you did it wrong, and I win, right? And I know some of you either know people like that or you're that person. But how much energy does it take to beat someone down like that and be right? And where could that energy have been? Expended instead in positive light, in positive impact, in serving others versus proving for the sake of an ego that you are. Right? So in this scenario, very different than the other two but still about neutralizing and loving, right? Is that I saw the wounded inner child in this person that was feeling very scarce, very desperate and that this behavior of hers was truly just a fragment of the whole of who she truly is. And that it was a season that she was going through and that she was going to seek evidence for what she believed and I was not going to go toe to toe with her. It wasn't worth my energy with my live event coming up with my launch, coming up with a new program I'm launching.

Melissa [: 00:30:46

Those are the things that deserve my energy, my children, my husband, myself, my body, my health, right? And I honestly saw fibers of myself. A previous version of myself who's also played the victim before when feeling scarce, when feeling fearful and projecting blame on others instead of attacking her and beating her while she was down, I recognized a fragment of her was not all of her and that fragment of her was also a previous version of me. Right? And so I told her I loved her, I adored her, but in the same time was releasing her from the team because we were no longer energetically aligned. My point in this is we don't always walk away best friends, holding hands, better relationship in the moment, but it also doesn't have to be a bloody war that sucks the life out of you. And there was no right or wrong person in this conversation. It was two egos, it was two inner childs that could have gone to war. But instead I chose to not engage in the drama. I actually chose to turn around and step off the stage and not be entangled in that drama but lovingly and compassionately releasing.

Melissa [: 00:32:33

And that my friends is another example of how you can neutralize an energetic relationship. And it not necessarily be a positive solution in the sense that now you're best friends but you can walk away consciously. That you have lovingly done what you needed to do without. And it may sting to the person you're having the conversation with but you can do it without beating them down. You can do it with compassion, you can do it with maybe seeing a glimmer of a piece of yourself that may have been in that scenario before and recognizing it's only a fragment of who they actually are, right? Okay, I could go on and on about this. You guys are like is this business coaching? Or like what are you talking about? This is business coaching, guys. When you exit center stage of the drama in your life and dispel the energetic charged relationships in your life, you free up an entire portal of energy for life, for body. For impact.

Melissa [: 00:33:41

Impact in your business, impact with your family, right? Your children feel more seen if you're having conversations about things you have regret with, with your spouse, with your loved ones, with business partners, right? When we are making impact in the world, we can spiral together upwards as a collective by setting the example that we can evolve together and neutralize conflict in a way where we set the ego aside and no one wins. We evolve and spiral up, right? Energetically, we spiral up, we don't pull down, right? So to wrap this in a bow, shadow work and inner child work can make huge impact in your business and in your life and it can help you sleep a whole lot better. I'm just saying, right? Again, shadow work is addressing those relationships and energetically charged conversations and internal struggles that you may have with yourself. For me, it really started with forgiving myself. For being the stressed out, angry parent I used to be and loving her fully anyway, and knowing that she was on her own journey to growth just like every other human on this planet. That I am no different. And I must give myself the same compassion that I give others. Then moving forward and having the conversations with the energetically charged people, right? So the inner child work can help us understand why we think the way we think.

Melissa [: 00:35:25

Think about my example with my uncle and how I just like he was a portal for me to unleash all the negative patriarchy crap I dealt with my whole life, maybe didn't need all of it at once on him, but he got it. That's the inner child. So when we can understand why we think what we think, how we think, why we think that way we can literally remove ourselves from our body and kind of look from the outside as a third party perspective and be like, wait a minute, what's the inner child controlling right now? Where am I wounded? Where am I potentially overreacting, right? And how can we do that with others? This is really interesting how so and so is perceivably overreacting about this. I wonder if there's some inner child wound here. Like there's something else going on, right? And have compassion. So, pro tips if you want to take a stab at some of this stuff. Have the conversation without the end game of being right for ego's sake, right? Remember, we will always find evidence for what we believe. There's no winning.

Melissa [: 00:36:34

It's an ego, right? Have the conversations to dispel the energetic charge, creating neutrality and creating more energetic space for higher frequency energy for you to attract, be and do what you desire, right? And acknowledge you're not perfect. And apologize if you need to, right? Without expectation of forgiveness. Don't be expecting forgiveness. The goal is neutralization. There is no right or wrong forgiveness. Forgiveness then tells us that someone was in the wrong. If someone has control to forgive, right? And again, I'm just back to the principle that we're all going to find evidence for what we believe. I'm not seeking forgiveness.

Melissa [: 00:37:28

going to be talking about in: 2024

Melissa [: 00:38:26

There will be a waitlist link for you to get on our waitlist and or you can email us when you're listening to this podcast now at team at burnouttoallout co. That is team at burnouttoallout co. Hope you guys enjoyed this podcast in my jammies on Inner Child work today and shadow work. I hope you guys have a wonderful Thursday. Thanks guys so much for listening in on today's podcast episode and I can't wait for you to see my upcoming guests in the next episode. You are going to love this keynote speaker. Hey, here's the deal. If you like this, please subscribe and leave a review.

Melissa [: 00:39:09

-: 2285

Melissa [: 00:39:58

Melissa underscore hinault over on Instagram. Melissa hinault over on LinkedIn and Facebook. Can't wait to see you guys over there.